I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
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Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?