[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
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detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
🤣🤣
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Oh thanks BBC.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait