Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
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ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
The answer is funnier than the question
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Generation gap…
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I need this for my side hustle.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.