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I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
when dads have a rap battle
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.