*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
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Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday