[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
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Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
This is amazing.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.