[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
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Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then