[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
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I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try