A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
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*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Best seat on the street 😍
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
this has done me in for some reason
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them