[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
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Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.