*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
You Might Also Like
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I’d use my best pan on you.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd