*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
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Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.