*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
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PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
These work great until they don’t.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me