*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
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Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.