My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
shampoo implies shampee
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993