*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
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Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat