I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’