*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
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Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.