Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.