*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.