{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
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Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat