{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
oh my god
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Story of my life…..
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
The sun is 100% solar-powered.