*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
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If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Thoughts
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*