*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
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Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
the council will decide your fate
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer