[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
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I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.