*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
mom gave me mine for free
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car