*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.