No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
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There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.