My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
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Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Who.
Did.
This?
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.