I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
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The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
If you love someone, let them tweet.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing