Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
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I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.