Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
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Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”