*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
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When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time