america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
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me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals