[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
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Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
set yourself free xox
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development