*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
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I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Ah yes. The three genders
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
greetings!