*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
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I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.