Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
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After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Saturday
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.