Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
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OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Me trying to look natural in photos
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts