Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
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My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it