@ThatRascalPuff: Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you're 98% jesus
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@WheelTod: [Interview] "Why'd you leave ur last job?" My boss felt threatened by me [Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
@ericsshadow: [on a date] HER: any accomplishments? ME: yeah, i'm an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog... liker HER: awww
@ABurgerADay: [tsunami approaches] Me: At last I will feel oblivion's sweet embrace. Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
@ehdannyboy: I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me. I said, "Ok, what do you want?" She said, "I want you to turn the ceiling fan down."