Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
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The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Not all heroes wear capes….
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”