MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
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I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
this is me
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man