“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
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I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”