Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
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Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Wake me when AI does housework
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.