*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
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Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Extremely relatable.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
good work, everybody
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
Chemical wingman
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.