@weinerdog4life: Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
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@pleatedjeans: [tells friend cat passed away] Is there anything I can do? Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap But I- [starts crying] OK OK
@Cheeseboy22: The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there's still a box of the same thing already open.
@ericsshadow: FBI: If you testify you'll have to go into the Witness Protection Program ME: I'll do it FBI: Your wife and kids too ME: Oh ok never mind