Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
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It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.