@canadasandra: Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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@_sleepysmile: People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it's because of all the placenta I've been eating.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
@Brianhopecomedy: A conversation between 2 vegans: "I'm a vegan." "I'm a vegan too." "Oh." "So...you're a vegan?" "Yes, I am a vegan." "Me too."