@murrman5: [at divorce lawyer] bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen "he didn't" he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

@SteveSuckington: Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won't have sex with you either.

@teenpuke: *cute person sends me a selfie* *tries 897285623895 times to take a cute selfie to send back to them*

@Thedudish: When the cat sits on my head, my shadow looks like Batman.

@david8hughes: If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can't find her baby, don't offer to help her make another one.