Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Solving a traffic jam
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.