@canadasandra: Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
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@Home_Halfway: "My wife and I decided we don't want to have kids." "But...don't you already have 2?" "Yeah."
@Reverend_Scott: [Apple meeting] We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan. "How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday's technology at tomorrow's prices." Too honest, Carl.
@thenoahkinsey: *on a 1st date* Her:..and I have 3 cats Me: Swipe left H: Did you say "swipe left"?! M: H: M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
@DamienFahey: When a band has Z's where S's should be in their name, I'm like, "Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren't playing by society's rules."