@weinerdog4life: Wanna piss a rhinoceros off? Hang his car keys on his nose.
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@prontopup: "OMG IT'S RAINING A LITTLE BIT AND NOW I'VE FORGOTTEN EVERYTHING I'VE EVER KNOWN!!!" - Drivers, apparently.
@buhsbaby_baby: Remember how they drove in 90's TV sitcoms...the horribly fake steering wheel turning - left right left right? That's how I actually drive.
@jwomackou: Wife: how'd you get that burn on your arm?? Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
@joeldanger: If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day