Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
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Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Skills
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.