@weinerdog4life: Wanna piss a rhinoceros off? Hang his car keys on his nose.
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@iwearaonesie: "you yelled 'this is not my daddy!' when i picked you up to leave the store. you're lucky i let you live" -how dad signs my birthday cards
@Mikecanrant: Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was pretty bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.
@LoveNLunchmeat: [watching basketball] I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet. And that's how you get him to turn off the game.