If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Batman v Dracula
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I wish this was real life…
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.