@thesulk: "Wanna pop a xanax in the Civic and kayak with mom and dad at noon?" "Can't. Scared." "Of the water?" "No. Palindromes."
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@murrman5: I don't get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* "your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps"
@LoveNLunchmeat: My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I'm always seeing double. It's a nightmare! Optometrist: Ma'am you have identical twins...
@krisv_723: On Sunday's I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it's not working & I own their soul.