I’m about to risk it all
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Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.